BIAtch competion unedited text from mutebox

This is the complete text of the BIAtch competion posts on the Mutebox forum. Enjoy!

author - Doug AKA BIA
subject - Big In Albania's Big-Ish Announcement...
date - 24/04/2005
... will be here in 11 hours. watch this space
replies
author - Doug AKA BIA
date - 24/04/2005
Righty ho. Here we go then... the moment has arrived. The "Special Dedication" EP is finished. 10 minutes and 27 seconds of sheer romantic bliss. And Barry White swearing. I know the question on the tip of your collective tongues: How can i get hold of this mazin' EP?! Well, there are two ways. 1) Disguise yourself as Justin Badhand, steal his identity, kill Justin, hide the body, marry Helen yourself and take the copy i'm giving to them at the engagement party. CAUTION: this will require you to go ginger (and kill, obviously). 2) Post the words "I'm a total BIAtch" and your name in this thread. The first 10 people to do this will get a copy at Smash My Face In or by post if they're not attending said shindig. Everybody else is out of luck. There will be a total of 11 copies of the EP with proper artwork printed at my expense and then no more, except pirate copies you lot knock off for mates (feel free to do so), as this EP was made with every intention of being an extremely limited release. Plus it's crap, basically. This could be the last you hear of Big In Albania for a while. I've already decided it's time for a hiatus to collect material for a new release that could be some distance away. They'll be a compilation of earlier stuff at some point in the summer. You haven't seen the back of me just yet! Keep watching the skies…
author - two feet
date - 24/04/2005
sad, but I will buy into this one "I'm a total BIAtch"
author - Doug AKA BIA
date - 24/04/2005
I'll be keeping a running total for this baby. 9 copies to go, any more takers?
author - jocalaco
date - 24/04/2005
theres always room on my mp3 player "I'm a total BIAtch" god this is degradeing........i kind of like it ???
author - Doug AKA BIA
date - 24/04/2005
it's all in the name of true love.
author - racton
date - 24/04/2005
I'm a total BIAtch *hangs head in shame*
author - Mixomatosis
date - 24/04/2005
I am a total BIAtch. And a free CD-whore.
author - Doug AKA the BIAtchfuehrer
date - 24/04/2005
the tally so far... Dan Jo Racton Mixomatosis Only six more left.
author - SG
date - 25/04/2005
Give me a CD or I'll cancel the 19th May.
author - al
date - 25/04/2005
you can't cancel your own birthday! by the way i am a total BIAtch
author - SG
date - 25/04/2005
Give me the other six CDs or I'll cancel the 19th May again.
author - Doug AKA total bastard
date - 25/04/2005
Say the words, Staff, and ye shall receive...
author - SG
date - 25/04/2005
Please send me a CD. I need cheering up as it would appear that I've downloaded a trojan virus onto my dad's computer and killed it. I'm in big big trouble.
author - the mice
date - 25/04/2005
MUTHAFUCKAGIVEMEAGODDAMCDIAMABIATCH please
author - the mice
date - 25/04/2005
He. That last post sure screwed the front page. BTW, is it high time I redesigned this web site or something?
author - SG
date - 25/04/2005
Don't re-design it too much - it's so easy to use and does the business very wellI think. If it aint broke, don't fix it. Unless it's my dad's computer.
author - (nearly hairless) j badhand
date - 25/04/2005
i feel honoured to be getting a copy and not have to degrade myself for the privilege.
author - Jason
date - 25/04/2005
"I'm a total BIAtch"
author - Doug AKA BIA
date - 25/04/2005
Staff - i've something for you as a thank you for putting on the gig / birthday present anyway. You still have to say the words like everyone else though if you want a cd! Also, try the forum at www.spywareinfo.com if you can't get help elsewhere with your pc problemo. J - you're kind of degrading yourself anyway aren't you by having your head shaved? All in a good cause i suppose. I negelected to sponsor you for it when you were last in colchester, is it too late to stick me down for a fiver? The mice - Any chance you can stick a link on my member page for me at all please? The tab so far - Dan Jo Racton Mixomatosis Alex Rich Staff (soon, you know you'll give in eventually) 6 down, 4 to go. STOP PRESS!: I'm setting a closing date on this of midday saturday. All must kneel before me by then or else you won't get a cheap tacky cd.
author - j badhand
date - 25/04/2005
i manage to degrade myself at every opportunity. but yes, i will stick you down for a fiver. there will be some 'before and after' stuff up on the bad hand forum this week, once i have recovered from the trauma of not having any hair.
author - SG
date - 25/04/2005
I'm a total BIAtch and I'm going to kill you. Is the "present" cat food like last year?
author - The Late Doug AKA BIA (RIP)
date - 25/04/2005
Nope, it's something good this time (Louise didn't choose it) which you will like and so will James V/Vm. It comes with the V/Vm seal of approval in fact. And some slight water stains along one side. It's vintage, you see. Only three copies left up for grabs now, people. Don't miss out, everything must go etc!
author - louise
date - 25/04/2005
yes,doug,i am a total BIAtch & lovin' it! if you give me a cd i'll give you the dog lead back..
author - Doug AKA BIA (resurrected)
date - 25/04/2005
people are going to think i'm weird now!
author - louise
date - 25/04/2005
sorry doug,blame it on me-i'm sure anyone that knows about it knows it was my (drunken)idea,even if you did enjoy it!
author - Mr K
date - 25/04/2005
Hell, saying "I'm a total BIAtch" ...is no more degrading than letting everyone know I'm looking forward to seeing LCD Soundsystem on Saturday, don't you know it. So there, throw a disc at me at Smash My Face In
author - Doug AKA BIA
date - 25/04/2005
We're down to the last one, folks. Any takers?! I'll try not to throw a disc at you so hard it actually does smash your face in, Tobias.
author - Ross
date - 25/04/2005
I'm a Total BIAtch!! i can give you one of my CD's on the 19th Doug, but i dont recommend listening to it :) PS:I got the last one. Gutted!
author - Mr K
date - 25/04/2005
Yeah, probably best not to take it at it's most literal, I remember breaking my cheekbone in August last year, and that was insanely painful, though surely someone's face has to be smashed in on said night?
author - Floodman
date - 25/04/2005
I'll just hack into his PC and nick my copy :)
author - Doug AKA BIA
date - 26/04/2005
Slight flaw Adam, i'm deleting everything to do with this EP as soon as all the copies are burned. you'll have to steal off one of my minions instead. Pimping themselves is all they're good at. I HEARBY DELARE THE "SPECIAL DEDICATION" COMPETITION CLOSED!!!! The final results: Dan Jo Racton Mixomatosis Alex Rich Staff Louise Tobias Ross Everyone else can console themselves by remembering that although they may have missed out on this fabulous offer, they didn't wind up looking like a c*nt. Thank you and good night.
author - JOCALACO KING OF THE WILD FRONTIER !!!!!!
date - 26/04/2005
I resent that...."I'm a total BIAtch" OH f*@k i can't stop doing it...i need help ..or a sedative or somthing!!!!!
author - Jason
date - 26/04/2005
I wasn't on the list and yet I made comment
author - Doug AKA BIA
date - 26/04/2005
oops! slight oversight. You must have slipped through the cracks without me noticing, probably because i was too busy getting staff to degrade himself. I'll make you a copy anyway jason. This offer is most definitly closed now!
author - Jason
date - 26/04/2005
I often slip into cracks
author - Floodman
date - 26/04/2005
Three words Doug "file sector recovery". Go do some work!
author - Doug AKA BIA
date - 26/04/2005
i have help today. i can take it easy.
author - the mice
date - 26/04/2005
YOU'RE LOOKING FORWARD TO LCD SOUNDSYSTEM? GODDAM! WHY IS IT THAT I CAN ONLY WRITE IN CAPITALS THESE DAYS?
author - Mr K
date - 26/04/2005
Ahem, yes, because of a 2manyDJs 'aftershow,' "get in," as they say. ...and capslock? Yo yo yo. Sorry, I'm so bloody drunk.

Final BIAtch results

Due to a slight oversight there are now eleven people on the list - i hadn't counted on there being one person on the list to be fair: They are as follows

Dan
Jo
Racton
Mixomatosis
Alex
Rich
Staff
Louise
Tobias
Ross
Jgram

plus (by default) Justin and Helen.

The BIAtch Challenge

The results so far. In order to win a copy of the utter drivel known as the "Special Dedication" EP, the following have pledged themselves to be my total BIAtchs forever:

Dan Merrill of the Dead Rat Orchestra
Jo Searles AKA Calaco
Richard Acton of Badhand Records
Mixomatosis of the Kelvedon bootmash massive
Alex Maroon
Rich AKA The Mice
Staff Glover of Colchester Arts Centre / Extreme Noise Terror
Louise Marks
Tobias K AKA Amputee Cliniq

By the end of the day, i predict at least one more person shall become my Ho.

The power has gone to my head...

The inaugural BIA blogger post story so far doo-dah.

Alas, the moment has come. I must sully the shiny newness of this website with my ill conceived words. Time for a potted history, blatantly lifted from my infinitely more talented friends at http://www.mutebox.co.uk...

BIA was formed in 1986 when a young Doug F. looked over someone's shoulder at school and realized nicking other people's hard work could be fun. Having experienced first hand (often at full volume) the bedroom genesis of Cats Against The Bomb's first demos and being a fan of plunderphonics legends like Negativland and the KLF, our man purloined some software off his brother and made a demo called "The Eighties Movie Soundtrack Disaster" in a week. The classics were all there: Akira, Terminator, Transformers, Zardoz, Biggles... He then spend the rest of the year trying to work out what all the knobs and buttons on Sonic Foundry actually do... If you like cheap, nasty soundtracks, dated synth-pop and dialogue samples of questionable artistic merit, then download away. It's not like you’re stealing or anything...

I'm starting this blog in lieu of a proper website as quite frankly I know f*ck all about html and technical jiggerypokery (can I swear on here?) and don't have time to learn right now. Better than nothing I s'pose.

The name Big In Albania comes from a song by Norman Wisdom and the Pikinis which was only released in Albania itself. There's a book by Tony Hawks called "One Hit Wonderland" which recounts his attempts at scoring a number one in any country and believe the song in question didn't actually top the charts. Maybe someone that's actually read the book can correct me if I'm wrong, though no comments on Mr Hawks skateboarding skills please.

As of the present moment, there have been a shedload of Big In Albania releases in a little under a year. More potted history follows...

The Eighties Movie Soundtrack Disaster was the pre-BIA name demo made ultra-quickly in a matter of days. Most of it sounds fairly awful to me now, though it does contain the original version of "Seeds Of Evil" and sometime BIA classic "Bigboote". In total, about 10 copies were made, though I did manage to get one to Canada and another to Australia.

Escape From The Eighties Movie Soundtrack Disaster was the inevitable sequel which every bad film needs. Again, a bit rushed. "Kicked In The Nadsat" stands out by a mile as a good example of when samples fit together purely by chance. About 5 copies were made of this one, all with atrocious photocopied artwork. If you have the Director's cut version with all twelve tracks then you have one of about 7 or 8 copies. Keeping track of my output so far is not something I'm particularly good at despite being rather anal about it.

Pixel Dust was the low point of the early years (or should that be year?) as just about everything that could go wrong did go wrong. The theory - make a album entirely out of computer game sounds. The practice - too bloody ambitious for my own good. Most of this demo is padded out with stuff added at the last minute that didn't fit on EFTEMSD. About 6 copies of this one, all of 'em rubbish!

Dance Like 1984 was a rush job sampler put together for ATP in November 2004 which I didn't give to anyone at the festival out of no particular reason. This is actually the best thing I've done just because I'd finally worked out how to make descent songs at last! Features the new and improved version of "Seeds Of Evil" and five other excellent tracks. Only five copies made.

Here endeth the history lesson. Next time, expect the latest news on the return of the Soundtrack Disasters, the story of the "Special Dedication" EP and the latest on the second proper BIA release.

Now I must depart, for there is an old BBC record that needs listening to before bedtime.